


Identity

by ylc



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Body Image, Coming Out, Discussion of Abortion, Gender Issues, Identity Issues, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mpreg, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Trans Character, angst with happy ending, angsty, but still a happy ending, now with more angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 13:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4021414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ylc/pseuds/ylc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of the Battle of the Five Armies, Bilbo struggles to repair his relationship with Thorin all the while keeping a secret.<br/>But sooner or later, all secrets must come to light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… A bit of the story of how this came about.  
> I read an article on tumblr (or an extract of it, I don’t exactly remember, because I can’t find the post anymore) about Mpreg and the implications of Trans Characters. To be honest, the idea had never occurred me (I must confess that tumblr has open my eyes in a lot of ways, particularly rewarding LGBT+ issues, racism and feminism) but after I read it, this fic idea wouldn’t leave me alone.  
> And I was (am) very nervous about writing and posting it, because although I made my research, I’m not sure if I managed to really portray this rightly. So any comments, suggestions or criticism are highly welcome. And if I messed up, please do forgive me and let me know! Also, I'm not sure I tagged this correctly, so any suggestions on that are also welcomed!  
> So, without further ado, enjoy?

When they come to tell him that Thorin will live, Bilbo weeps of happiness. Just the morning before, Balin had told him it was unlikely the King would recover from his wounds, leaving the poor Hobbit brokenhearted. He spent the whole night praying to every single one of the Valar, hoping one of them would grant him the miracle of the King surviving.

It seemed his pleads have been answered.

Bilbo is beyond himself with joy; of course he’s still worried, but Oin tells him that the worst has passed and they’re fairly certain Thorin will survive, after all.

He’s not allowed to visit just yet, though. Even if it’s quite likely that Thorin will revoke his banishment, it’s still not a fact and so the Company is wary of letting him see the King. Not that they think the whole ordeal was fair at all, but they’re loyal to a fault and of course they’ll honour their King’s wishes, at least until he’s strong enough to change his orders.

Therefore Bilbo is forced to stay at the Men’s tents. Bard is cordial enough and as accommodating as possible, but Bilbo doesn’t feel at ease. He misses his companions, whom he has come to think of as his kin.

He helps around the camp as much as he can. He prepares meals and helps the healers finding herbs and preparing remedies. Every now and then he sneaks into the Erebor’s Prince’s tents; while Fili is still unconscious, Kili isn’t and he has informed the Hobbit he’s welcome whenever he wishes to visit.

Of course the rest of the Company knows of his visits, but they’re content enough to pretend they don’t.

Bilbo hopes that Thorin will revoke his banishment and let him stay, because he’s not sure what he’ll do with himself if he has to return to the Shire and never see his Dwarves again. He’ll miss the Company for sure, but he thinks he’ll die of a broken heart if Thorin insists on having him gone.

It’s pointless to deny he’s in love with the Dwarven King. And a while ago, he had thought Thorin felt the same way, but now it’s hard to say. The Gold Sickness is to blame about what transpired between them just before the Battle, but that doesn’t mean the King’s feelings haven’t changed.

Or that they were there at all. After all, while they certainly traded a few kisses, nothing else ever happened and they never spoke about it. Besides…

He never got around of telling Thorin his secret. He’s not sure how the Dwarf would have reacted and now it may be pointless to tell him. Maybe it’s for the best, Bilbo reflects, because if Thorin forgives him, he’s not sure he can handle being rejected for the other reason.

Everything is too complicated. Not for the first time, Bilbo wishes he wasn’t so… weird. Different. _Wrong_.

But it’s pointless to wish for things to be different. It’ll change nothing.

* * *

 

_Everyone knew that Belladonna Baggins had had a beautiful baby girl. Said baby girl grew up to be a precious hobbit lass, with golden locks and hazel eyes, that always managed to catch the lads attentions. She was funny and witty and lovely._

_And then everything changed._

_Billa was 22 when she noticed that something didn’t feel right. Her whole life she had been told she didn’t behave very femininely at all, but now she was beginning to feel… disconnected. Like her body and her mind didn’t really belong to each other._

_In the inside, she didn’t feel like a woman at all. And while her body had started changing, her hips becoming more pronounced, her breasts larger and she started with her monthly blood, she felt less and less like a woman._

_At first she was scared. She tried hiding it; hoping it’ll go away. Maybe it was just part of growing up._

_It wasn’t. And when it finally became too much for her to handle on her own, she went to her mother._

_Belladonna Baggins was no ordinary Hobbit and therefore wasn’t scandalized by her daughter’s confession. They talked about it and tried to figure it out between themselves, knowing the rest of the Shire would be of little help._

_A year later, Bilbo Baggins came to be._

_Of course it was the biggest scandal in the history of the Shire. People were mean and cruel, but Belladona insisted there was nothing for him to be ashamed of and so Bilbo endured the gossip and the snide remarks._

_Still, he felt better now. His body still felt wrong, because it didn’t really belonged, but there wasn’t much they could do about it. He bound his breasts and wore men’s clothes and for the most part, Bilbo was perfectly content with his new identity._

_Or as content as one can be, considering the situation._

* * *

 

Two days later, Balin finally comes to inform him that Thorin has awaken.

With his heart beating furiously, Bilbo follows the Dwarf into the King’s tent. Thorin looks as majestic as ever and Bilbo can’t help to be a little surprised by it. Only his Beloved Dwarf would manage to look so majestic with so many broken bones and so many bandages.

He lets out a half-sob, half-giggle at the thought. Thorin is alive and that’s all that matters.

“Master Baggins.” The King greets and Bilbo’s heart clenches painfully, both at dark memories and the fact that Thorin has gone back to addressing him so formally. “I- I would like to apologize.”

Bilbo’s heart stops. He shakes his head and crosses the distance between them in a blink of an eye, throwing his arms around the King’s shoulders, careful not to upset his wounds much. “Oh, you daft dwarf.” He whispers, hiding his face in the crook of Thorin’s neck. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

“On the contrary,” Thorin argues, placing a hand on Bilbo’s shoulder, forcing the Hobbit to pull away. “There’s plenty to apologize for. If you’d let me, I would like to make amends to you.”

Bilbo wants to argue, but decides to let it go. Instead he sinks back into Thorin’s embrace, even if it’s a little odd, considering he has to be careful about the broken bones and the still open wounds.

He smiles, though. There’s much to talk and explain between them, but Thorin is alive and that’s what matters right now. They’ll have time for talking later.

For now he’s content enjoying this.

* * *

 

_He thinks one of the reasons he decides to go with the Dwarves is because every single one of them addresses him as Master Baggins (or Boggins, in the Princes’ case). Well, Thorin insists on calling him Halfling, but it’s still a pleasant change._

_When his mother was alive, she made sure to give a piece of her mind to whoever didn’t use the correct pronouns when referring to him. If someone insisted in calling him Missus Baggins or Billa, Belladonna wouldn’t stand for it. However, once she was gone…_

_It was difficult, going to town knowing the painful gossip. He kept to himself most of the time, finding too upsetting the way people would treat him. Having people calling him weird or wrong was awful, but when they insisted on talking to him like he was a woman…_

_Why was it so difficult to understand? He didn’t want this, but it was beyond his control. He was a man in the wrong body and that was difficult enough without being the object of the Shire’s gossip and-_

_He didn’t have friends, although there were a few Hobbits who were nice enough and respected him. His neighbor and gardener, Hamfast, for example. He was always kind to Bilbo and every now and then would invite him for tea or elevensis._

_Still, Bilbo felt self-conscious. Even when people called him Master Baggins, there was always a hint of doubt or judgement in their tone and that always made him upset._

_And then the Dwarves came into his home, calling him Master Baggins and addressing him properly, without a hint of doubt. Without judgement. Without questioning._

_He left with them. After a life of feeling like he didn’t belong, like there was something wrong with him, these Dwarves made him feel right._

_And just for that, he was willing to go on a suicidal quest to reclaim their lost Kingdom._

* * *

 

Thorin recovers slowly, but surely. With each passing day, he looks stronger and soon enough he is up and about, insisting on performing his kingly duties, much to Oin’s disapproval.

Kili’s recovered too and although Fili hasn’t woken up, his wounds heal nicely and the healers think he’ll wake up any day now.

To say that Bilbo is relieved would be an understatement.

He and Thorin spend a lot of time together, the Dwarf insisting on making amends and the Hobbit wanting to make some amends of his own. Both enjoy the other’s company and soon enough they’ve recovered their easy companionship from before.

Except…

Although there’s lot of talking, and joking and generally enjoying the other’s presence, there’s no more kissing. At first Bilbo was too relieved to really care, but as time goes by, he’s starting to miss Thorin’s loving embraces and heated kisses.

He wonders if their relationship has been damaged by the events of the Gate and therefore there’s no hope of going back to that. Maybe now all he can aspire to is to being Thorin’s friend.

He knows he ought to be thankful. A few weeks ago, he had been certain first that Thorin never wanted to see him again and then that the Dwarf King wouldn’t survive. To have this, as little as it might be, is much more than what he thought he would have.

But he’s greedy. After so many time spent with Dwarves, he supposes is natural: he wants more. He’ll hoard whatever affection Thorin is willing to give, but he’ll always long for more.

“Whatever troubles you, Master Burglar?” Thorin’s voice drags him away from his brooding thoughts and he offers a smile to the King. The other offers a smile of his own; that little smile that always makes Bilbo’s heart flutter.

“Nothing.” He replies evenly. He’s a good liar, even if most people won’t believe it.

Thorin frowns, but doesn’t comment. “Fili woke up.” Bilbo turns to face him, wondering how can he sound so calm about something so big. “Just for a little while. Just to make sure his brother was alright and then he fall asleep once again.” Bilbo nods, thoughtfully. Surely those are good news? Thorin’s still smiling, so he guesses so. “Oin says it’s a good sign.”

Bilbo smiles and takes one of Thorin’s hands in his and squeezes affectionately. “He’ll be up, causing trouble with his brother soon enough.”

Thorin lets out a chuckle. “I never thought I would say this, but… I’m looking forward to it.”

* * *

 

_The first time Thorin kisses him, Bilbo is a little startled. After the events in the Carrock, the Dwarf had certainly been friendlier, but he hadn’t imagined it would lead to… that._

_It’s been a very long while since Bilbo kissed someone. He can’t deny he’s attracted to the Dwarf King and he enjoys the kiss immensely, but he’s also a bit skittish about the whole ordeal. Back in the Shire, whenever he kissed a lad, said lad always tried to grope him at some point and while he wouldn’t be opposed to that as such, they always went for his breasts and that…_

_He didn’t like that. Because the few boys in the Shire willing to kiss him, actually wanted Billa Baggins and she… She was long gone. Or maybe she never existed at all. It’s confusing and impossible to really say._

_But Thorin doesn’t know. Thorin thinks of him as Bilbo Baggins, a Hobbit who was hired by the Company as a Burglar. And while Thorin wants him, as a man, it makes Bilbo worried, because what would Thorin say if he found out…?_

_Not for the first time, Bilbo curses his body. It’s wrong; it has always been wrong, it doesn’t feel like it belongs to him, but it’s what he has. Thorin wants him, thinking him a man, but what would he say if he founds his body doesn’t match his identity?_

_It’s impossible to say what Dwarves think of these matters. It’s not a subject that Bilbo has ever wanted to broach with them, even when Ori has offered to answer whatever questions he has of their culture. Now, though-_

_He just doesn’t know how to ask, without raising suspicions. He doubts there’s a subtle way to go about it. He thinks of consulting Gandalf, but the blasted wizard will probably give some complicated explanation that will actually explain nothing at all._

_Bilbo is at loss of what to do._

_He allows Thorin to kiss him and he kisses back just as passionately. But when things start to get too heated up, he always pushes back and excuses himself, hurrying to leave the King’s presence. Thorin may be confused by his actions, but he never demands an answer._

_That just makes Bilbo fall a little more in love with him._

_For the moment, things continue that way. With their Quest being interrupted by their stay in Mirkwood, their hasty escape, and then with everything going on in Lake Town, it’s easy to ignore it. They can’t trade more than a few kisses on those following weeks, but when they reach the mountain, Bilbo knows he’ll have some explaining to do._

_Except that when they reach the mountain, Thorin falls prey of the Gold Sickness and there are more pressing matters to worry about. And then he’s vanished and it doesn’t seem like it matters anymore._

_But of course, things were never that easy for Bilbo Baggins._

* * *

 

When Fili finally awakes, the rebuilding of Erebor has already begun. The main halls have been cleaned and so they can hold a small feast in there. They’ve recovered their mountain and the King and his Heirs live: it’s more than reason enough to celebrate.

Bilbo finds himself by Thorin’s side for most of the night. Fili and Kili drag him into a clumsy dance (because they’re drunk and he doesn’t know the steps) and he spends a few minutes with the other members of the Company, but for the most part, he spends the evening in Thorin’s company.

The King drinks ale with gusto and soon he’s a bit tipsy. Not much, but considering he’s still recovering, Oin strongly suggest him to go back to his room. Thorin complies, dragging Bilbo along.

The Hobbit stands in the room nervously, unsure of what to do now. Thorin looks at him with passion in his eyes and next thing he knows, he’s being pressed against the door and being kissed within every inch of his life.

Bilbo can’t help to moan, tangling his fingers in Thorin’s long hair. The Dwarf King kisses him thoroughly, without rush, his arms locked around the Hobbit’s waist, holding him a little higher, so the angle is not uncomfortable for Bilbo.

Things soon become more heated, but when Thorin pushes him into the bed, Bilbo snaps out of his blissful bubble. They can’t do this; he can’t do this. He needs to explain- “Thorin, wait-”

The King silences him with a kiss, his hands going to undo his belt. Bilbo is tempted to lose himself in the pleasure, but he knows that if he doesn’t stop this right now, he’ll regret it. “Thorin!” he exclaims, pushing the Dwarf away with all his might.

Thorin pulls away, looking both confused and hurt. Still, he gets up, leaving Bilbo laying on the bed, suddenly feeling terribly cold. The King is breathing hard, staring at Bilbo and then he’s kneeling next to the Hobbit, holding his hands and letting out a string of apologies that Bilbo doesn’t quite understand.

“I’m so sorry, Bilbo, I don’t know what- I should have known- If you don’t want me near ever again-”

Bilbo feels tears tickling his eyes, but forces himself not to cry. He needs to explain. “Thorin, no, that’s not-”

“After what I did, I was lucky enough you still wanted us to be friends, but I-”

“Thorin!” Bilbo exclaims loudly, interrupting the King’s self pitying monologue. “It’s not like that.” He takes a deep breath, readying himself for what is to come. “I just- there’s something I need to tell you.”

The King stares at him in confusion and the Hobbit forces himself to stand up on his shaking legs. He takes off his shirt in one quick swift motion and Thorin frowns at the bandages around his chest, but before he says a word, Bilbo undoes them, freeing his breasts.

Thorin’s frown deepens, so Bilbo bits his lips and carries on. He thinks it might be easier to explain if Thorin sees him, all of him, first.

He undoes the laces of his pants and lets them the fall. He pulls down his breeches and takes a deep breath before facing Thorin.

The Dwarf is staring at him, a frown still darkening his face. His eyes flick across the Hobbit’s body, uncomprehendingly and Bilbo forces himself not to squirm under the King’s scrutiny.

“I don’t understand.” Thorin says after a while and Bilbo almost weeps with relief at not being yelled at. He didn’t quite expect Thorin to react unfavorably, but he didn’t expect such a calmed reaction either.

Although the copious amount of alcohol he drank before might have something to do with his reaction.

“I- I- ” Now the words fail Bilbo, because how does one explain this without sounding crazy?

“You’re a woman?” Thorin questions and Bilbo flinches, the words hurting like a physical blow. In fact, the blows he took during the Battle hurted less.

He shakes his head furiously. “No, no, I’m a man!” He exclaims, tears now falling from his eyes. “I just- This body- It’s wrong, you see? I’m not- I’m not a female.” He says, his sobs making his words hard to understand. He wishes he could explain better, but he really ought to have planned out this conversation before actually having it.

It might have also helped if he hadn’t drunk at all.

Thorin continues staring at him. He’s not repulsed and for that Bilbo is grateful, but he still looks confused. Bilbo picks up his shirt and hurries to put it on, before turning around and fleeing the room, not bothering with the rest of his clothes.

He thinks he has just managed to ruin whatever he could have had with Thorin and all because his bloody anatomy.

Once more, he curses his misfortune.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts anybody? Please don’t hesitate to let me know if I messed up or if I should add or edit something! I’ve already written the next chapter, but I’m not completely satisfied with it, because I’m not sure I’m getting Thorin’s reaction right and realistic, but I’ll try to update very soon…  
> Anyway, thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin's reaction to Bilbo's revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here’s chapter 2! It took a little longer to update, but here it is!  
> I’m still not completely happy with it, but I just don’t know what’s missing. I feel like something is, but I don’t know what… Thoughts? And once more, if I messed up, let me know, pretty please!  
> A million thanks to everyone who left comments and kudos, you guys are the best!  
> Enjoy!

As Bilbo leaves the room, Thorin snaps out of his shock. He still doesn’t fully understand what has just happened and he’s wondering if everything is product of his drunken mind.

The clothes and bandages lying on his floor suggest it isn’t.

A string of memories come unbidden to him. The way Bilbo would sometimes complain of stomach aches, the way he seemed completely miserable for a few days every month, not really taking part of the Company’s activities, the occasional drops of blood on his bedroll,  the way he always refused to bathe with them…

Thorin had dismissed them as Hobbit’s oddities. The Hobbit was unused to the life and therefore the food on the road, he was feeling homesick, he had injured himself lightly, he was too shy or prudish. Now, however, he’s seeing things under a different light.

He’s unsure of what he feels about this new development. He knows he’s in love with the Burglar, but this certainly changes a few things. Not many, to be completely honest, because he’s in love with who Bilbo is, not his body, but…

There are a few things they need to discuss. He wants Bilbo to feel comfortable around him; he wants him to know he’s safe with Thorin, that he’ll never ask for something Bilbo doesn’t want. He needs to understand what exactly does this mean for their relationship, particularly on the physical level. He needs to know if Bilbo will be up to sex at all. Maybe he’s uncomfortable with his body, maybe he won’t want Thorin touching him…

Mahal, this is too confusing and he’s seriously regretting drinking so much ale.

This also explains why Bilbo always ran away whenever things got too heated up between them. Was he worried about Thorin’s reaction to his body? Was he afraid the King would be… what? Horrified? Disgusted? Displeased?

This is unexpected, that much is true. Thorin is not sure if this happens among Dwarves at all, but he thinks that if it does, it’s not such a big deal. Unlike other races of Middle Earth, Dwarves have not such strict gender roles. If someone was born female, but didn’t identify as such, then it wouldn’t matter.

But it probably wasn’t like that for Bilbo. For all how pleasant the life at the Shire had seemed, Bilbo had told them more than once how terribly judgy Hobbits were. Bilbo’s situation was probably frown upon back at his home.

He realizes, a bit belatedly, that he ought to be running after Bilbo, instead of standing here in quiet contemplation.

He springs towards Bilbo’s chambers, ignoring anyone he happens to run into. He knocks on the Hobbit’s door, but he’s not surprised when there’s no answer. Taking a deep breath and gathering all his courage, he pushes it open anyway.

He’s never been a Dwarf of many words, but how he wishes he was now. Bilbo is laying on the bed, sobs wracking his small body. Thorin hurries towards the bed and pulls the Hobbit into his arms, rubbing his back comfortingly.

For a few seconds, Bilbo seems too confused to react. When he does, he turns to look at Thorin, his eyes bright with tears. The King curses his inability to say the right words, so he kisses his Hobbit’s forehead instead. Bilbo relaxes a bit, although he’s still crying quietly.

“I’m so sorry, Bilbo” he whispers, rocking him gently. “I know I should- I should have said something.”

The Hobbit shrugs helplessly. “To be honest, I expected a more… aggressive reaction.”

Thorin bits his tongue to stop himself from saying harsh words that would upset Bilbo further. He keeps on rocking him, rubbing soothing circles over his back.

“This changes nothing” He informs him after a while, once Bilbo has stopped crying. “My feelings for you- they haven’t changed.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath and then Bilbo has captured his face between his hands, gazing into his eyes, probably looking for lie. Thorin holds his stare, willing the Hobbit to see the trueness of his words.

“You- You really- You don’t mind?”

“Why should I?”

“You don’t think me… weird? crazy?” A pause. “Repulsive?”  Bilbo’s voice is a pained whisper and how does Thorin wish he could punch whoever made him feel so bad about himself. Since there’s nothing he can do about the past though, he just holds Bilbo’s stare.

“No, Bilbo. I don’t think you any of those things.” He presses a gentle kiss against the Hobbit’s lips, pulling away quickly. “I was a little… overwhelmed, but I don’t- I mean, I’m surprised and there are a few things we need to discuss, but I’m in love with who you are. This, ” he gestures towards his whole body. “It doesn’t really matter to me. It changes nothing.”

Bilbo bits his lip gently, obviously not quite believing him, but wanting to. Thorin wants very much to kiss him again, to show him nothing has changed, he still wants him very much, but he doesn’t want to press.

“Do you- would you be opposed to me kissing you again?” he questions after a while and Bilbo’s breath hitches, making Thorin backtrack right away. “I mean, if you’re not comfortable…”

But Bilbo interrupts him with a kiss of his own, coming to straddle the King’s hips and soon enough Thorin isn’t thinking at all.

When his hands slip under Bilbo’s shirt, though, the Hobbit slides away quickly, looking a bit hurt. “Bilbo?”

“I- I’m not really comfortable with you touching my- well, you see, my body is not- it doesn’t quite feel-”

Thorin nods, thoughtfully. “Alright. We won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

Bilbo is staring at him as if he hung up the moon and as unworthy as he feels of the Hobbit’s adoration, Thorin can’t help to preen a little. It’s always nice being looked at with such love and awe. “You really won’t mind? I don’t- I don’t know if I’ll ever want to- well, no, I very much want to have sex with you, but I- I’m not really comfortable with this” Bilbo says, gesturing towards his body.

Once again, the Dwarf King nods. “I don’t mind. I want you, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. We’ll go at whatever pace you find more fitting.”

There are more kisses after that and Thorin forces his hands not to go wandering, looking for Bilbo’s naked skin. When his hips start thrusting up and Bilbo meets every one of his thrusts, letting out soft little moans, he has to make a very conscious effort not to let his hands go looking for something between Bilbo’s legs to bring him over the edge.

It’s different from what he’s used to, but that’s not to say he doesn’t like it.

* * *

 

“I think you might have left a few bruises on my waist.” Bilbo tells him much later, when they’re laying side by side. Thorin blushes, seeing the Hobbit lifting his shirt a little to inspect the damage.

“I’m sorry” he whispers. “I’ll try to-”

“I don’t mind.” The Hobbit interrupts him. “I just- Well, we’ve both got some things to get used to.”

Thorin nods, although he’s not sure how easy it’ll be getting used to not touching Bilbo while kissing. He wants to kiss every inch of his body, worship him with his mouth and tongue, but he understands that Bilbo may never want that.

They’ll handle it. For the chance of building a life with his Burglar, there’s nothing he’s not willing to try.

The road won’t be easy, of course, but it’ll be worth it.

So worth it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts anybody?  
> I’m working on another bagginshield fic (and this is why I don’t like start writing for a fandom; I end up with a million ideas I want to write), this one on a slightly more humorous note (I just love the misunderstandings trope. It gives me the chance to write angst and then make everything ridiculously happy), so, if you’re interested, keep an eye for it!  
> You can also find me in ylc1.tumblr.com  
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t really planning on adding another chapter to this story, but I kept thinking that since the whole idea came because of an article on Mpreg, I ought to include Mpreg, so…  
> I’m still super unsure about my take on this themes and so whenever I post something for this particular story, it really wrecks my nerves but I keep finding things I want to write and I want to explore and so… please let me know if I messed up?  
> I feel there are some tags I should add, but I’m not sure which ones so…  
> Enjoy?

Ever since a group of thirteen dwarves entered Bilbo’s life, he has faced many great challenges. Surviving the Goblin’s caves, helping the dwarves escape Mirkwood’s prison, facing a dragon and fighting in an actual war… well, those certainly had been no easy feats and yet, Bilbo felt those things don’t even come close to his current challenge.

Such thought always succeeds in making him upset.

The thing is, sex is not supposed to be challenging. It’s a matter of two people enjoying each other’s bodies and there’s really not much more than that, right? There’s certainly no reason for his heart to start beating madly, for him to start sweating, for his lungs to have trouble getting air, for his whole body to shake and for him to almost have a mental meltdown.

But no matter how hard he tries to reason with himself, he can’t never quite convince himself of that.

It’s not always like that . Sometimes he can lose himself well enough into the pleasure so he doesn’t freak out when clothes get torn out, but sometimes… Sometimes it’s just too much. Sometimes his own bodily reactions surprise him and sometimes they upset him and sometimes his brain just won’t shut up and-!

“Bilbo. Bilbo!”

He snaps back into attention at Thorin calling his name loudly. The King stands at the feet of the bed, wearing only his breeches, staring at him worriedly. Bilbo’s eyes travel his (his what?) his dearest friend’s body and he hurriedly looks away, his insides twisted with worry.

He knows Thorin would never force him to anything. Whenever things become too much, Thorin stops right away, even if it’s obvious he would rather not to. That’s part of the reason why Bilbo loves him so much and also the main reason why he worries so much.

He worries that one day Thorin will get tired of him; that he’ll decide he’s just not worth so much trouble and that he’ll find someone else. It’s not like he lacks prospects, after all. Bilbo is well aware Thorin is attractive and now he’s an actual King, so there’s no lack of suitors for him to choose from.

That he has chosen to take Bilbo as his bedmate is enough of a wonder. Bilbo should be thankful he’s allowed to have this; he should treasure every second that Thorin wants to be with him. Instead, he worries and sometimes he refuses him and sometimes…

“Bilbo” Thorin has crawled into bed next to him and now he’s caressing his cheek very softly “why are you crying?”

Bilbo shakes his head, knowing that if he opens his mouth he’ll start crying even louder. He can’t tell Thorin what he’s thinking; the King would never understand. So instead of answering, he pulls Thorin into a kiss.

Kissing is always nice. Thorin’s lips on his are always warm and welcoming and they make him feel happy. But when kissing progresses and suddenly Bilbo finds himself beneath Thorin…

Well, that’s not always so nice.

It’s not that Thorin is not a careful, gentle, attentive lover. The problem is exactly the opposite. If Bilbo allowed it, he has no doubt Thorin would shower with attention every inch of his body; if Bilbo allowed it, he knows there would be no part of him left unexplored by Thorin’s terribly talented hands and mouth.

But he can’t allow it. This dissociation he has always felt with his body has always make things difficult for him, but regarding sex… it’s quite overwhelming.

So sex it’s an odd affair, that Bilbo’s not sure if Thorin really enjoys. He sometimes does and sometimes he pretends he does, but Thorin can very well tell the difference, so he always stop if he realizes Bilbo is uncomfortable, even if he was already buried deep within him.

Which of course only succeeds in making Bilbo more frustrated with himself.

He wants to enjoy it. Not only the act, but the intimacy of it. The closeness it brings. But it’s hard to concentrate on that when his very own arousal reminds him how wrong his anatomy is.

“Bilbo.”

Thorin is hovering above him, concern written all over his face. He sighs and rolls off, leaving Bilbo feeling cold, so he rolls on top of the King, earning a surprised huff from the dwarf.

“Please” he whispers softly, straddling Thorin’s hips, leaning down for a kiss. “Please.” He repeats, rolling his hips and Thorin groans, throwing his head back.

“Please” Bilbo whispers again, kissing the line of his jaw, biting gently here and there. Thorin groans once again, but his hands go to the Hobbit’s hips, stopping their rolling movements.

“Bilbo, what’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong!” he protestes airly, trying to move again with no success. “Please.”

“Please what?”

Love me. Don’t get tired of me. Understand me.

He can’t bring himself to voice his thoughts.

Thorin kisses him gently, not trace of passion into it. He guides Bilbo off him and once he’s lying on his side, wraps his arms around him, spooning him. Bilbo feels tears falling, but he makes no effort to conceal them. Thorin isn’t watching, anyway.

The King starts humming softly, rubbing circles over his belly. After a while, Bilbo’s body relaxes and his sobs subside, until the only sound in the room are Thorin’s hums.

Afterwards, Bilbo falls asleep.

* * *

 

There are days when it doesn’t seem quite as difficult. There even are days when Bilbo crawls into Thorin’s lap, dead set on having his way with the King. On these days Thorin will smile brightly at him and let him do whatever he pleases with him.

Today is one of those days. They’ve been at it since very early in the morning, when Bilbo wake up from a nightmare, his throat raw from screaming and a very panicked Thorin trying to calm him down. The physical contact seemed to help and one thing led to another and…

Well, here they’re now.

Now they’re lying next to each other, both too physically exhausted to move, but both smiling like fools. Thorin is completely naked, but Bilbo’s still wearing his nightgown, still not comfortable with Thorin seeing him naked. Right now, however, that doesn’t seem to matter.

He wishes things were always this simple.

If he could… forget all about his wrong body, he thinks he would be happier. But then again, that’s part of who he is and forgetting about it it’s not really the solution. He needs to accept every part of him, but he finds himself at lost of how to do that. He thinks maybe one day he won’t mind as much, but as for him to be actually comfortable in his own skin?

That seems unlikely.

* * *

 

Because Thorin is not allowed to touch him from beneath his shoulders, he seems to make it up for the fact with kissing and biting every inch of skin that he’s allowed to. Bilbo does like it, even if his dwarf is a little rough from time to time.

The no-touching is a little frustrating for both of them, but Bilbo’s grateful Thorin is willing to respect his needs.

However, this leads to another aspect of sex that can be frustrating; he can hardly ever reach orgasm. He knows enough about his body to know that would be far easier with some extra stimulation, but there’s no way he’ll let Thorin touch (or even worse, kiss!) him from beneath his shoulders. That’s just not happening.

He can tell Thorin gets frustrated because of that (the orgasm part) but he doesn’t particularly cares for his male, dwarvish pride.

The whole ordeal is really frustrating.

* * *

 

So, all in all, they handle things. But Bilbo still worries. One would think that as time passes his worries would ease, but they don’t. If anything, they grow.

The thing is that it’s been a year since they reclaimed the mountain and more and more Dwarves arrive daily. Dwarves seem as prone to gossip as Hobbits and therefore it seems that everyone in the mountain knows that King Thorin is bedding the small Hobbit burglar, but everyone seems to think it’s nothing serious.

Well, not everyone. The Company assure him that Thorin is serious, but from what Bilbo understands from dwarvish customs, they’re not even courting so… he worries.

If Thorin decided he didn’t love him and therefore didn’t want to marry him, he thinks he could handle it; after all, one should never marry without love. But if Thorin doesn’t want to marry because of his… issues, Bilbo doesn’t think he could survive the heartbreak.

But he can’t bring himself to ask. Because asking would lead to knowing and he’ll rather live with the doubt that know for sure that… that Thorin doesn’t think of him like that. Maybe he thinks he’s good enough to warm his bed occasionally, but not for being his Consort.

It’s a very unfair thought and deep down he knows it’s a lie, that Thorin does love him, has told him endless time and not only when they’re tangled in the sheets and more importantly, he shows it with the way he’s always thinking of Bilbo’s happiness, but…

Well, not use on worrying. Thorin must have his reason to not have asked Bilbo for something a bit more formal and Bilbo really ought not to press. Better leave things as they are. For now, they are happy (happish?) and that’s what matters.

Right?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts anyone? This particular chapter was very hard for me to write; I had it figured out in Thorin’s POV, but I felt I really needed to do Bilbo’s so… I don’t know, I keep worrying I went the wrong way about this?  
> On a lighter note, while I had figured it out from Thorin’s POV, now it turns out I forgot what I wanted to write so… Next chapter might take a while. And I was planning just a couple more of chapters, just enough to include the Mpreg, but then I keep coming up with ideas I want to write and now I don’t know what to do because I really really ought not to start a long fic, but…  
> I’m also unsure if this would work better as a series of one-shots instead of a long fic so, thoughts on that?  
> Let me know what you thought, pretty please! Suggestions are always welcome and if I messed up please, please let me know! Also, I feel like I’m lacking tags, but I’m not sure which ones?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, remember how I said I had forgotten how this chapter went? Well, I think it shows, but I certainly tried my best. And I think it works, even if it’s not what I had originally envisioned… Then again, I had planned for them both to already know about the pregnancy at this point and then I came up with a few other ideas and I ran away with them so…  
> I’m sorry, I’m a horrible person, but I adore writing angst (like the theme wasn’t angsty enough) so… bear with me? I promise it’ll be worth it. Or at least I’ll try to make it worth it.  
> Enjoy?

Sex with Bilbo is a constant exercise in self control. Not to say that Thorin doesn’t enjoy it, because he does, but most of the time he worries that Bilbo doesn’t. For the most part, he can tell when the Hobbit is just pretending to enjoy it, but he’s not certain if he always manages to notice.

It’s way too easy to get lost into his own pleasure.

Whenever he stops, Bilbo assures him that he doesn’t mind. That as long as Thorin enjoys it, Bilbo is not particularly bothered. But the thing is that, selfish and greedy as Thorin might be, he refuses to take pleasure when Bilbo is having none.

He sometimes wonders if they should just write sex off from their relationship. It probably would be less confusing, but for the few times than Bilbo does seem happy with it…

Well, it’s worth every effort.

But sex is not, by far, the most worrisome element of their developing relationship. Although they have talked about Bilbo’s situation, he still doesn’t fully understand all that it entails. In part, because not even Bilbo seem to fully grasp it.

Sometimes Bilbo just closes off and there’s no way of bringing him back. On those times, Thorin berates himself for pushing for too much and while Bilbo always reassure him it’s not his fault, he can’t help to feel like a failure.

He has failed his Burglar far too much for comfort. What kind of partner he is, when he keeps failing the one he loves the most?

He’s well aware he didn’t even deserve Bilbo’s forgiveness; that he’s willing to try to have an actual relationship with him goes beyond his wildest dreams. So he tries his very best, but he keeps coming up short.

The fact that he has a kingdom to rebuild doesn’t help either.

He’s busy, terribly so, so even though he tries, there’s very little time for him to spend alone with Bilbo. At night, with both of them tired, it’s not the right time for lengthy, serious conversations. He makes time for his Burglar whenever possible, but it’s just not  as much as he would like.

He hates that he can’t always be there for Bilbo; he hates that sometimes he’s so bone deep tired that he doesn’t notice what mood his Hobbit is in. It’s not right and Bilbo deserves so much more, but he just can’t-

Sometimes he wonders if he should just let Bilbo go. Let him find someone else; some who could actually be there by his side whenever he needs him. Someone worthier than Thorin.

But he’s selfish enough to not suggest it.

* * *

 

The fact that they share chambers is quite scandalous, especially because they’re not even officially courting, but Thorin can’t quite bring himself to ask for something more formal. With the way Bilbo sometimes gets overwhelmed, he worries that asking for courtship will have the Hobbit packing his things and going back to the Shire.

He sometimes thinks it’s a ridiculous thought; Bilbo wouldn’t just run away. Still…

Better not to risk it.

He wants so many things. Formal courtship it’s not even close to what he really wants with Bilbo. But marriage seems like a too big step, one that they’re certainly not ready for, with so many issues hanging unresolved between them. It seems they both understand each other even without words, but Thorin worries that that’s just an illusion and eventually things will go sour between them because of that.

So he keeps things simple. He doesn’t ask for more than what Bilbo gives willingly and he tries his best to be there for him when he’s having a bad day.

He hopes it’s enough.

* * *

 

Bilbo spends most of his time helping wherever he can. Sometimes he’s helping Ori at the library, or with Bombur in the kitchens or even with Oín, preparing ointments and medicines. Thorin is glad his Hobbit has found something useful to do with his time and that he seems so interested in the well-being and rebuilding of the kingdom.

He knows that Balin consults with Bilbo the matters concerning housing, schooling and supplies. Bilbo doesn’t know it, but as Consort, that would be part of his duties. It makes Thorin proud how easily the little Burglar takes up to the new responsibilities; he’s a natural and really, Thorin couldn’t ask for a better partner.

Now, if he could just formally ask for it…

It’s just that they don’t spend much time together and he doesn’t want to sour the precious minutes they have together with what has the potential to be a very uncomfortable talk. At least, that’s what he tells himself.

In reality, he’s just too scared of what Bilbo’s answer will be.

Sleeping with someone and actually building a life with someone are two very different things. That Bilbo shares his bed doesn’t necessarily means something, even if by Bilbo’s willingness to share his deepest secret would suggest that it does. Still, Thorin worries they’re not on the same page and he doesn’t think he’s strong enough to deal with the rejection.

Sometimes he thinks he’s being overdramatic, but sometimes-

Well, one can never be too careful with one’s heart.

* * *

 

His worst fears seem confirmed one night when he comes back to their bedroom and finds Bilbo carrying out some of his clothes. It’s obvious the Hobbit wasn’t expecting him back so early, judging by how startled he seems by his presence.

“Oh, Thorin. I- I was expecting you just yet.”

“What are you doing?” he questions, his tone harsher than he intended, but it feels like someone has just stabbed him in the back and that hurts.

“Eh-” Bilbo looks at him guiltily, before dropping his eyes to the floor. “I’m… I’m moving back to my rooms. For a while. I just… I need some time alone.”

Thorin stares at him uncomprehendingly. He knew things weren’t exactly ideal between them, but just what did he do so wrong that made Bilbo decide he didn’t want to be with him anymore?

He tries to meet his Hobbit’s eyes, looking for an answer, but Bilbo keeps resolutely staring at the floor. “I see.” He whispers, his hurt probably showing in his tone. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, but he refuses to force Bilbo to answer him. If he doesn’t want to explain… it’s his right to do so.

“I- Umm- I-” Bilbo glances at him briefly, before once more focusing his attention on the floor. “Good night, Thorin.”

“Good night, Master Baggins.” He replies as calmly as he can and although Bilbo flinches, he doesn’t add anything else. He watches his beloved leave towards his own chambers, leaving him behind with a broken heart.

Just what exactly did he do wrong?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, I’m a horrible, horrible person. This week I kept struggling with writing, because I wanted to write something happy and fluffy, but I realized all the stories I have in progress and the ones I want to write are angsty (some even without a happy ending!) so…  
> Anyway, let me know what you thought?  
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here’s finally a new update! Sorry for taking this long, I just really struggle with this fic. I mean, I love it and I enjoy working on it, but I keep rereading and rewriting everything so… yeah, sorry.  
> This particular chapter has me worried (as all of them, really) because I’m not sure if I manage to capture what I wanted and I hope I’m handling the theme well? And the timeline sort of overlaps with the previous one (meaning it happens before the ending of the last chapter), so if anything it’s too confusing, please let me know!  
> Anyway, enjoy?

The revelation happens one day when Bilbo is helping Oín in the infirmary. He’s taking stock of the herbs they have when it happens.

There are herbs that can be brewed and so they become a tea to help with the monthly blood’s pains. Normally, Bilbo keeps a close eye on their stock of them, because more often than not he needs to take them, but now he realizes he hasn’t in a very long while.

The harder he thinks about it, the more he panics. He thinks it’s been at least 2 months since his last blood, but it might have been 3 or 4. There are a couple of things that could be the cause of this, but the most likely one…

There are no other signs of pregnancy, though. No morning sickness, not unusual tiredness, not swollen ankles. There’s no other sign and so he forces himself not to worry much.

But then, a few days later, when he’s putting on his bandages as usual, he realizes he can’t. His breasts feel swollen and therefore it hurts terribly tying the bandages around them. He forces himself not to panic, but it takes all his self control not to have a mental breakdown.

He can’t be pregnant. He just can’t.

Except that of course he can. It’s not like they’ve been taking any precautions and while he might not be a female, he certainly has the parts that make pregnancy possible.

He’s in big trouble.

Still, he convinces himself that there’s probably another reason for the changes he’s going through, so he doesn’t go into full panic mode just yet (although he might throw up afterwards, but he’s willing to blame it on the stress and not on friggin morning sickness)

His hopes are shattered a couple of days later though.

There are small ‘gardens’ on the side of the mountain, that nowadays are mostly bare, just weeds continue to grow there. With all the reparations needed inside the mountain, it’s natural that nobody has bothered with them, but Bilbo often visits them, if only to enjoy a few minutes of solicitude.

Today, however, there’s another visitor in the gardens. Tauriel stands on Bilbo’s usual spot beneath a burned tree. The elf offers him a short smile, before turning her attention back towards the direction of Mirkwood. Technically, she was banished from the Elf Realm and she seems pretty okay with that, having taken residence on the rebuilded town of Men, but she can often be found wandering around Erebor and although at first she was rewarded with plain distrust, now everyone has more or less gotten used to her presence.

The courting braid in her hair might also have something to do with that.

“Kili isn’t here. In Erebor, I mean.”

“So I’ve been informed” Tauriel replies evenly. “Is it wise, naming him Ambassador in the Woodland Realm?”

Bilbo chuckles good naturedly. “His uncle seems to think that since he’s so dead set on marrying an elf, he should be able to conduct diplomatic relations with his soon to be family-in-law.”

Tauriel hums thoughtfully. “I’m technically no longer kin to the elves of Mirkwood.”

Bilbo shrugs. “It won’t hurt that Kili learns a thing or two about diplomacy. And without his brother around, he’s unlikely to stir too much trouble.” He smiles indulgently. “Besides, it’s not like the relationship between Erebor and Mirkwood can get any worse.”

Tauriel seems to consider this very seriously, before nodding once. “I suppose you’re right.”

They stand in silence for a while, looking at nothing in particular, both lost in thought. “May I offer you my congratulations and well-wishes?” Tauriel says suddenly, turning to look directly at him and so Bilbo frowns, confused. “For the baby, I mean.”

Dread fills every pore of Bilbo’s skin. In his heart he had known he was pregnant, but to hear it from someone else… “Master Baggins? Are you alright?”

“How- how did you know?” he questions, looking more than a little terrified and so Tauriel frowns lightly.

“The way you move” She replies calmly and Bilbo should have guessed as much. Elves can tell when people have married (by elven standards, at least) by just looking at them walk; of course they can figure out someone is pregnant the same way.

“I need to sit down.” Bilbo whispers, lowering himself to the ground. Tauriel follows, looking more confused with each passing second.

“Isn’t it a good thing?” the elf maiden questions, tilting her head curiously. “I thought children were a blessing for Dwarves.”

Bilbo closes his eyes, holding back tears. “Yes, they are. But I- I-”

“Does it have something to do with you being male?”

Bilbo lets out a small laugh that might also be a sob. “You know I’m not.”

He opens his eyes to see Tauriel eying him oddly. “You are. You identify as such, don’t you?”

“Yes, but-”

“Then you are.” She interrupts him smoothly. “We’re all exactly as our Makers intended us to be.”

She looks at him with a conviction that Bilbo has never really felt. It’s comforting, really, that someone is so convinced that he’s male, regardless of his biology proving otherwise.

He has some renewed affection for Kili’s intended.

“Thank you.” He whispers brokenly and Tauriel only continues looking at him oddly. She’s probably still confused about his reaction.

They stay in silence for a while longer. Then she leans closer, probably to prevent anyone overhearing their conversation. A rather unnecessary precaution, since nobody else ever seem to come around here.

“If you-” She bits her lips, in an uncharacteristic display of hesitancy. “If you don’t want to have it, there are certain… things that could be done.”

Something clenches painfully in Bilbo’s insides. He’s not especially thrilled with the idea of being pregnant, but he can’t really imagine another option. “I only offer because- well, you understand that with the way Dwarves are about children, you won’t be given any other option than carrying it full term.”

Bilbo nods; he understands that Tauriel is offering out of kindness and he does appreciate it, he might even be considering it but- “I don’t know. I just- I don’t know.” He stares at her intently. “Aren’t elves opposed to abortions too?”

Tauriel looks away. “I believe no one should be forced to have a child they don’t want.”

She doesn’t elaborate and Bilbo senses there’s a story there, but he doesn’t question. He has enough with his own troubles right now. “I don’t know what I want to do.”

The elf maiden nods. “You realize you’ll have to make a decision soon, right? The sooner, the less riskier for you.”

Bilbo nods too. “I’ll think about it.”

The female stands up then and with one last small smile, she heads back towards the Mountain. Bilbo stays where he is, thinking hard about his current dilemma.

After awhile, he finally gives into his pain and starts to cry.

* * *

 

Later, when he has calmed down enough, he goes back to the chambers he shares with Thorin and sits down to think about his options.

He hasn’t really considered children before. Back in the Shire, he had known he would never marry: every boy who ever tried to court him wanted him to become a wife and there just was no way that Bilbo could do that. People never really accepted him and so he had always known he wouldn’t find love there.

He had resigned himself to be a bachelor. But lately… lately he had begun to believe that maybe he could have an actual marriage, with someone who accepted him just the way he was.

Of course, Thorin had never actually offered something more formal, but Bilbo had thought-

That’s of no matter right now, though. He needs to decide what’s he gonna do about the baby and he needs to decide quickly. He doesn’t know how far along he is, but if he waits much longer there won’t be any other options left.

There are lots of elements to consider; Thorin’s reaction being the most worrisome.

It’s true that Dwarves cheerish little ones: with their low birth rates and high child and mother’s mortality rates, it’s hard not to be. For that alone, he thinks the King might be pleased.

But there’s no secret that while a good part of Thorin’s advisors are members of the Company, there’s also a few nobles of old that are more than a little traditionalist and they don’t particularly like Bilbo. The fact that the King is currently bedding him, without any sign of a courtship going on is scandalous enough; to have gotten him pregnant…

And there’s of course the matter of explaining how that happened, seeing Bilbo is male.

He stops that line of thought right away. That’s not something he wishes to consider just yet and so he focuses on the matter at hand: most of the Council won’t be pleased. And that would put an extra strain on Thorin that he doesn’t really need; rebuilding Erebor is complicated enough as it is, if tension arouse inside of the Council…

Succession is another matter to consider. He’s not sure what would happen to Fili’s and Kili’s right to the throne if their uncle had a child of his own, particularly considered the child’s mixed blood. To be completely honest, he hopes his child wouldn’t have to grow up with the pressure of becoming King one day.

He also wonders what would this do to his relationship with Thorin. Would it force them into a hasty marriage? He dreads the idea. He loves Thorin with all his heart, but the Dwarf hasn’t offered even courtship and Bilbo hates the idea of ‘tying him down’ with a babe.

It’s troublesome. If he keeps the child, things are bound to get more complicated.

There’s another option, of course. He could go back to Shire.

Leave Erebor behind, go back to Bag End, raise his child alone: that way he won’t complicate things for Thorin. It’ll hurt, of course, but it might make things easier in the long run.

But leaving and not letting Thorin know he’s going to be a father feels like a terrible betrayal. He has already once left with something that belonged to the King, thinking it was for the best and look at where that had landed them.

Besides, he can almost hear the Shire’s gossip at his return; they thought him odd enough as things were, if he came back now...

Mad Baggins; a little touch on the head, she is. Thinks herself a boy, which is bad enough but then she went on an ’adventure’ with a bunch of Dwarves and came back with a little bastard in her belly.

The mere idea hurts. That they would ocustrinezed him, he could stand, but his child? Bastard would be the gentlest thing they’ll call him.

No, that’s not really an option. He has to stay.

If he doesn’t keep it… will he ever be able to look at Thorin in the face, knowing what he has done? Can he put this behind him; can he live with himself and his decision? Can he carry the secret to the tomb, never to spoke about it again?

And if he does keep it, will he be able to stand the constant reminder of how wrong his body is?

Maybe.

He realizes he’s crying again and tries to calm down. He needs to get himself under control; until he makes a decision he can’t let anyone notice there’s something amiss with him. And for that to work out…

He needs to move out of Thorin’s chambers. Being around his beloved while there’s a storm raging inside his head won’t help at all. Sooner or later he would break and he really, really doesn’t want to clue Thorin in about his awful dilemma.

For now, solicitude will be his friend. He’ll make a decision soon.

He must.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts anyone?  
> I really like the direction this is going, even if it’s not what I originally intended. I certainly never meant to add the little Kiliel mentions (although I love those two; they’re so cute!) or Tauriel, really, but I think it helps the story to flow nicely?  
> Oh, and if someone could help me with how long do Hobbits and Dwarves carry? I can’t find a reliable source and I sort of need to know so I can plan the rest of it! I don’t mean to cover the whole pregnancy, but I need to know a thing or two so to keep things logical.  
> Let me know what you thought!  
> Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things before we begin; I’ve loved every minute I’ve been working on this story. It’s nerve wrecking, yes, but it’s been highly educational for me. I try very hard to keep things realistic, I’ve done my research on the subject and so I hope I won’t offend anyone, although I realize that there’s no amount of research on this world that would help me fully understand what being trans is like. That’s a struggle I’ll never face myself, but for me, writing, helps me gain a better understand of the world as a whole and so for me, this fic has been a learning experience that I cheerish inmensely.  
> Please, please, let me know if I do something wrong. If you find something troubling, if I fuck up, if I’m disrespectful in anyway, please, please, tell me. I’m still learning and so I’m bound to make mistakes. There are a hundred issues I had never stopped to think about because I’ll admit I’m extremely privileged and therefore it’s been way too easy to overlook things, but I’m trying so whatever concern you might have, please let me know. Whichever pointers you may give me are also highly welcome and please know that although I’m very bad at socializing in general, I’m always willing to be a shoulder to lean on (is that the correct phrase?)  
> Secondly, as usual, I would like to thank everyone who left comments/kudos on this fic. They mean the world to me! And thanks to everyone who helped me with the matter rewarding pregnancies!   
> Enjoy?

He finds Bilbo in one of the gardens, as Balin had predicted. It’s been a couple of months since Bilbo moved out of his chambers and Thorin has become increasingly worried about the Hobbit’s well-being. Ever since that night Bilbo has retreated more and more into himself, almost never spending time outside his chambers, unless his presence is needed.

He shows up at the Council’s meetings and Thorin knows he occasionally visits members of the Company, but those visits never last long and the other Dwarves have reported that Bilbo looks tired and sad.

Thorin doesn’t understand what’s happening. He had wanted to give Bilbo some time and space, figuring they would talk things out once the Hobbit had had some time to think, but now he’s wondering if he ought to have gone after him, demanding an explanation.

The Hobbit looks at him when he hears him approaching, but other than a brief nod of acknowledgement, he gets nothing. He observes his beloved for a while, trying to figure out what exactly is going inside his head.

These months haven’t been easy on Thorin either. He has managed to carry on with his duties, even if half of the time he felt like lying down and never getting up again. His heart felt heavy with regret and self pity, but he has a duty to his people and his kingdom and so he had endured at the best of his ability.

He hadn’t seen the Hobbit much, but he had thought it was because Bilbo was avoiding him. However, just the day before, a few members of the Company had expressed their concern to Bilbo’s constant absence and so the King had decided to go to check on him. Since his meeting from the night before had gone for far too long, he had decided against visiting Bilbo so late but today he had decided that everything else could wait for later: seeing to his Burglar’s well-being was his top priority.

They stand in silence for a long while, just staring at nothing and Thorin wondering how to start this conversation. Suddenly, Bilbo turns to him, a sad smile on his face. “I’ve been thinking of going back to the Shire.”

All of Thorin’s being protest at the idea. He just can’t let his beloved to go back to that awful place, where people doesn’t understand and respect him. Still- “Why?”

Bilbo’s mouth becomes a very thin line before he answers. “I worry- I- I don’t have a place here. I mean, I’m just-” he gestures at himself, in a self depreciating manner. “I’m not needed here.”

Thorin stands in front of him then, grabbing him by the shoulders, so he can have the Hobbit’s full attention. “You have a place here. You- you belong here, Bilbo.”

The Hobbit chews his lip nervously. “Do I?”

Thorin sighs. “ If you want to go back to the Shire because you miss it there... I wouldn’t dream of forcing you to stay. But if you want to go back because you feel like you don’t belong here, if someone has suggested as much-”

Bilbo laughs hollowly, shaking his head. “I’m just a very small Hobbit” he argues calmly. “What do I have to offer a King?”

Thorin kisses him then. It’s probably the wrong thing to do, because this is something they ought to discuss and not just sweep it under the proverbial rug, but Bilbo kisses back just as enthusiastically and Thorin can’t bring himself to regret it.

“If I leave-” Bilbo whispers against his lips and so Thorin kisses him again, trying to silence the crazy thought. “It’ll make things easier for you.”

Thorin shakes his head, leaning in for another kiss. Bilbo leaving would only make life unbearable for him. Things are bad enough right now, knowing Bilbo is somewhere inside the mountain if not by his side, but if he was to leave permanently…

He wouldn’t be able to cope with that.

Bilbo pulls away after a while, his attention now focused on something behind Thorin. The Dwarf turns, just to find Tauriel standing behind him, her face as stony as ever. “Your Majesty” she greets, bowing awkwardly. Thorin nods at her in greeting, staring at her confusedly but she’s no longer paying attention to him, her eyes glued to Bilbo.

He turns back to Bilbo, looking for an explanation, but the Hobbit’s expression betrays nothing. “Excuse me, I’ve got some matters to attend” he tells him, offering him a short smile before walking out of the garden, closely followed by the elf maiden.

Just what has just happened?

* * *

 

Thorin doesn’t see the Hobbit for the rest of the day, his postponed meetings causing him to miss dinner with the Company. However, his companions report that Bilbo did show up at dinner and looked slightly better; he was also in a better mood and eat well.

Thorin is willing to count it as a win.

The next morning, during the scheduled Council meeting, Bilbo takes his usual place next to Balin on Thorin’s left. The meeting goes as smoothly as ever, with the old nobles throwing unpleasant comments against the Hobbit’s presence. Bilbo takes up the comments in a stride, staring at them evenly, with a slightly bored look that would put King Thranduil to shame.

Thorin wonders if the vicious comments really don’t bother him. He had always thought as much, but judging by their conversation from the day before, he’s no longer so sure. However, ever since Bilbo moved back to his own chambers, the nobles had been less cutting with their ill comments, since they seem to think that that means Bilbo won’t become his Consort after all and that makes them more willing to endure his presence.

Thorin sincerely hopes that they’re wrong in that regard.

He’s been considering the whole asking for courtship matter. Dwalin seems to think that it would be the solution to his current problem, but then again, it’s not like the warrior is the best person to go for advice on love matters. No member of the Company is really, since only Bombur and Gloin are married and that’s mostly because their wives took pity of them and they did the actual proposal.

And yet people dare to say he’s the emotionally constipated.

His youngest nephew is the only one who seems to have a more or less good idea of how to go about courtship and yet, he’s not entirely sure Tauriel wasn’t the one doing all the actual work.

Besides, there’s simply no way he’s asking for Kili’s input.

He continues observing his Hobbit during the whole meeting, mostly letting Balin and Fili handle things. Fili could use some practice and he can trust Balin not to let things get out of control. In the meantime, he can use the time to try to come up with a strategy about what to do now.

He’s worried Bilbo will actually decide to go back to the Shire. If Thorin thought that the Hobbit would be happier there, no matter how much it hurt him, he would let him go. He knows all too well what it’s like being away from home and he would never put Bilbo through that.

But the thing is, he believes Bilbo would be unhappy there. Based on what the Hobbit has told him, he had no real friends there and people never quite accepted him. He’s better here, with people who love and respect him.

Of course, Bilbo hasn’t shared his secret with nobody else and Thorin can understand his hesitancy, considering what he went through in the Shire. Besides, it’s not really anybody’s business.

But if he eventually told the rest of the Company, Thorin is certain nothing would change. And Bilbo needs that, he deserves that: he’s wonderful and perfect and he ought to be surrounded by people who know that, people who really appreciate him.

He can’t go back to the Shire and Thorin must find a way to make him see how needed he’s in Erebor, so he doesn’t go around thinking crazy things.

He doesn’t want to put him through much strain, though. Giving him a bunch of responsibilities would only make him tired and besides, while most Dwarves are not as close minded as the nobles of old, there are some that wouldn’t take kindly of receiving orders from a non-Dwarf.

When the meeting is over, Bilbo offers him a quick soft smile, before hurrying out of the Council Chamber. Thorin smiles back, thinking once more about the whole courting business. It might not solve much in the long run, but for now it might reassure Bilbo of his place in Thorin’s heart.

It’s a sound idea and since he lacks any other, he decides to go with that. He’ll start working on the engagement beads at the earliest chance: something simple, because Bilbo won’t wear them otherwise and then he’ll ask.

He hopes it works out.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… thoughts anyone? I’m suffering a little bit of writer’s block with the last chapter, so the next update might take a while, unless I figure out how to start the chapter (I know what’s going to happen. I just don’t know how to start it.)  
> Anyway, thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking long with the update! It’s just that I keep having trouble with what I was convinced would be the last chapter. I’m done with it now, but it’s not going to be the last one. I feel it lacks closure, so I’m writing at least one more chapter. Therefore the ending might not be as fluffy, but at least will have some resolution (I think)  
> In the meantime, enjoy? And as usual, if I messed up, let me know!

All things considered, Bilbo thinks he’s been doing well enough.

It took him almost a month to decide what to do about the baby, but in the end, he had decided to keep it. There are days when the idea doesn’t sit entirely well with him, but for the most part, he’s almost happy. Not completely, because he still has to tell Thorin and that worries him more than he would be willing to admit, but as happy as he can be, given the circumstances.

Still, there are a few extra complications.

Finding a midwife, for one.

It’s not like he can just stroll into the Healing Chambers and ask for one. Well, he supposes he could, but the minute he did, the whole mountain would known and more importantly, Thorin would known. And that’s really not the way he wants him to find out.

He has entertained the idea of going to OÍn and ask for his help. The old Dwarf might not be an expert in pregnancies, but surely he knows a thing or two about them. He had decided against it though, because in the end he knows the whole Company is too loyal to Thorin to keep a secret from him.

Which is reassuring and all, but quite troublesome in his current situation.

The biggest issue though, it’s not really finding the midwife; it’s explaining how this happened. He just don’t fancy revealing his secret to some random stranger, no matter how well intended she might be.

It’s Tauriel who suggests going to Dale. So far the elf maiden has overseen his care, but while she knows a little bit of healing, her knowledge is more about how to treat injuries acquired in the battlefield than dealing with little babes and expectant parents.

Going to Dale, however, presents another set of complications. For starters, lying to everyone in the Mountain about his whereabouts and then there’s also the fact that he’s not sure Men will be particularly understanding of his situation.

It needs to be done, though, for his and the baby’s health. So on one chilly morning, he covers himself in heavy clothes and follows Tauriel to Dale, where he introduces himself by the name and gender he was born with, even if the whole presentation leaves a nasty taste in his mouth, but figuring it might make things easier.

The midwife is an elderly woman, named Sophia. She checks Bilbo over, asking few questions, but looking at him with such pity in her eyes that Bilbo feels sick the whole time. The old woman probably thinks the child is from an unwilling father and that the reason Bilbo hasn’t told him is because he fears his reaction. Which is more or less true, but not for the reasons she’s probably thinking.

It’s not like Thorin would hurt him. Even if he gets angry, Bilbo has no doubt that he wouldn’t get violent. He knows Men are a strange race, prone to violence and that some of their women live in constant fear of what would happen to them if they displeased their spouses, but that’s not most definitely Bilbo’s case.

But it’s not like he can explain the reality of his circumstances, so he doesn’t try.

The woman assumes him a dwarrowdam and Bilbo knows better than to try to correct her; in fact he had been hoping for that which is why he covers his hair and part of his face with a heavy scarf. There’s only one resident Hobbit in this side of Arda and giving away his race would give him away. She explains Bilbo her diagnoses might not be as accurate, considering she has only dealt with Women pregnancies, but she thinks the process can’t be that different.

Bilbo hopes so, because he’s at lost of what else he can do.

After a quick check up, the woman sends him back to the Mountain, with a stock of herbs to take. He’s not sure if he feels better or worse afterwards.

Subsequently it’s Tauriel the one who goes to see the midwife, bringing her news of Bilbo’s state and then bringing back more medicines and diagnoses to the expectant Hobbit. It’s far from ideal, he knows, but for now it works.

He should have known that sooner or later it would cause far much more complications.

* * *

 

As he nears the sixth month of pregnancy, he begins to panic. He still hasn’t told Thorin and although the Dwarf hasn’t asked, Bilbo knows he suspects something is amiss. Their conversation in the garden seems to have put Thorin on edge and so now he’s constantly around, asking for Bilbo’s input on whatever matter he’s currently working on.

Not to say that Bilbo doesn’t like to spend time with him, but it’s hard. He craves contact and intimacy and so most of the time he’s with the King, he spends it trying to keep himself in check, so he won’t end up throwing himself into Thorin’s arms.

He needs to tell him, not only because it’s the right thing to do, but because there’s no way he can keep hiding it. His belly has grown quite a bit and although thanks to his heavy winter clothes it’s not exactly noticeable just yet, it won’t be long before it shows.

But he just can’t find the right words. It’s not like he can just-

“Tell him?” Tauriel suggests, when he confides her his dilemma. They’ve grown quite close this last few months (so much that he’s beginning to suspect Kili might be slightly jealous) but it’s impossible not to, seeing she’s the only one who knows what he’s hiding.

“I can’t just do that.”

“Why not?” she asks, tilting her head curiously, looking confused. “I really don’t understand why you’ve waited this long.”

Bilbo rubs his temples, feeling a headache coming. “It’s not that easy.”

She doesn’t press for more, although it’s obvious she’s still unconvinced. “He needs to know. There’s no way around it. And I think the longer you wait, the worst it’ll be.”

“What do you mean?”

The elf maiden sighs. “How would you feel if it was the other way around? Wouldn’t you be hurt he hadn’t trusted you enough to tell you?”

Bilbo bits his lip, now feeling guilty. He hadn’t thought it like that. “I just keep messing things up, don’t I?”

Tauriel pats his shoulder amicably. “Just talk to him. It’s all you can do now.”

Or run back to the Shire. But the more he thinks about it, the less he wants to do that. His only real option is to gather his courage and tell the King the truth.

Facing another dragon sounds far easier.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know, it feels… I don’t know. I’m not very sure about this chapter. Something is missing, but I can’t figure out what…  
> Thoughts anyone?  
> Thanks for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it! The final 2 chapters. I tried making them just 1, mixing POVs, but it wasn’t working, so I broke it down in 2, this one from Thorin’s POV and the next from Bilbo’s.  
> Posting them together follows an important reason that I’ll explain at the end notes, but here’s what’s important to keep in mind while reading this chapter: Thorin is trying to be an understanding partner, but he doesn’t fully understand what Bilbo has gone through. I think think there’s a difference between being emphatic and fully grasping someone’s struggle.  
> So, without further ado, enjoy?

Thorin isn’t sure how this happened. One minute he had been trying to gather enough courage to present Bilbo with the Courtship Beads and next thing he had known they were in bed, kissing furiously.

Not to say it had been an unpleasant turn of events it was just… unexpected.

And now Bilbo is nestled on his right side, both of them completely naked, which makes the whole situation more surreal, because Bilbo refuses to take off all his clothes when they’re having sex, but when Thorin had asked, the Hobbit had simply complained it was too hot.

It’s just very odd, really.

Bilbo is asleep, his chest rising and falling rhythmically with every breath he takes. Thorin lets his eyes trace the body of his lover, while he ponders once more how did they end in that position.

It might have been a logical development if he had actually asked Bilbo for courtship, but he had barely opened his mouth when the Hobbit had pounced (and there’s really no other word to describe it). A stronger man might have resisted, at least until they had talked, especially considering their relationship had been somewhat strained, but Thorin just couldn’t resist.

Confused at this development as he is, he still feels terribly satisfied now, basking in the afterglow of lovemaking and hoping this is some kind of signal that the worst is finally past them.

With that thought in mind and a satisfied smile on his lips, he falls asleep soon enough.

* * *

When he wakes up, he realizes he’s alone in bed. He waits for a few minutes, thinking Bilbo just needed to use the bathroom, but it soon becomes clear the Hobbit is not coming back. Thorin takes a deep breath and sits up, trying to make sense of what just happened. He assumes Bilbo regrets jumping back into bed with him, but why exactly? Is it something he has done?

He gulps and fights back actual tears. He can’t deal with this, he really can’t. It hurts too much to love someone like this and still… He knows that after everything he did he didn’t really deserve Bilbo’s love anymore, but it had seemed…

Well, it’s no matter now, he supposes. He doesn’t feel like harassing Bilbo for an explanation of his behaviour, even if all this mixed signals are killing him. The best he can do now is wait and let the Hobbit make the next move. There’s really no other way.

It’s not a very satisfying solution, but it’ll have to do.

* * *

“I’m sorry about last night.”

Thorin wasn’t expecting someone else to be in his study, so the unexpected voice startles him a little. He looks up from the papers he was reading and stares at Bilbo. The Hobbit looks tired and sad and Thorin aches to go to him, pull him into his arms and never let go, but that’s when the words sink in and despair takes over him.

“It’s no matter” the King replies as evenly as he can. “Are you- are you okay?”

Bilbo sighs, running a hand through his long curls. A courtship braid would really look lovely nestled between the copper curls, but Thorin forces himself to concentrate and not get lost in his little fantasy world. “It’s- Just- The stupid hormones are driving me crazy!” the Hobbit exclaims, looking more than a little frustrated with himself. Thorin tilts his head to the side and observes him for a while, not quite understanding what he means.

“Ah…”

“I just- I miss you. I miss… hugging and kissing and sex, but I just- there’s something- There’s something I need to tell you.”

Thorin nods, pushing through his dread. They need to talk about this, no matter how uncomfortable and unfitted for this conversation he feels, this is something they have to do. “I’m listening” he prods, when Bilbo doesn’t carry on.

The other male takes a deep breath, before he starts pacing around the small study, apparently arguing with himself the merits of telling Thorin whatever that has been affecting him. The King forces himself to stay calm and not start demanding answers, knowing that won’t end nicely.

There’s a knock on the door and a few seconds later Balin peeks through it. After noticing Bilbo, he seems to hesitate, but Thorin remembers he has a reunion with some Guild Masters and so he realizes that, sadly, his conversation with Bilbo will have to wait. He turns to the Hobbit and he just shakes his head, gesturing for him to leave. Thorin hesitates and so Bilbo smiles kindly at him.

“Go to your meeting, Thorin. We’ll talk later.”

Thorin nods and follows Balin, his heart heavy with uncertainty.

They’ll talk about it. There’s no putting it off any longer. They need to talk.

He only wishes he had an idea of what exactly they need to discuss.

* * *

Somehow, a bunch of nobles make their way into the meeting with the Guild Masters and somehow the discussion strides from the original themes and starts floating towards unwanted topics. Thorin squares his jaw as some dwarves start arguing about succession and forces himself not to snap angrily at them.

“As you all should be aware, there’s no need to worry about that. My sister’s sons-”

The nobles interrupt him and Thorin must admit they throw him for a loop, since he really wasn’t expecting to be discussing this any time soon and particularly not in a meeting such as this. He’s well aware that’s exactly why they’re doing it and that infuriates him further.

When the topic of marriage is breached though, Thorin has had enough. “You all know where my affections lay. I won’t take another spouse than the one my heart has chosen.”

He glares, daring them to defy him. Daring them to doubt Bilbo’s worth. Luckily for them, nobody protestes.

“The princes would need to marry soon, though.” One of the oldest nobles argues after a couple of seconds of tense silence. “Children-”

“We’ll, if rumors are to be trusted, there’s no really any need to worry about that.” Some younger noble interrupts. “Since the youngest prince is with a bit of family in the way-”

“A half-breed in the throne of Erebor? Outrageous!” the first dwarf interrupts and Thorin is about to protest about the term ‘half-breed’ when he notices exactly the implications. He turns to Balin, who’s carefully avoiding his eyes and so he questions. “What?!”

Balin takes a deep breath, glaring at the arguing dwarves. “Rumor has it that Kili’s elf might be carrying.”  
Thorin stares at his old friend and counselor uncomprehending. Surely he heard wrong? Surely his nephew isn’t about to become a father? Surely Kili would have told him, if such thing was true?

“What?” he repeats, uncaring of the odd looks he’s getting. Balin sighs once more.

“People in Dale have seen her visiting the town’s midwife quite often and-”

“How long?” he demands and when Balin hesitates, he glares. “How long?!”

“2 or 3 months, we suspect.”

He turns around, dismissing the meeting. There are far more pressing matters that require his immediate attention. He needs to find Kili now.

They’re in the need of a very serious conversation.

* * *

He storms into his nephew’s room, probably looking murderous if Fili’s and Kili’s panicked looks are anything to go by. Bilbo is there too, apparently having been as startled by Thorin’s sudden appearance as the Princes.

“Uncle?” Fili questions nervously and Thorin can see him and his brother carefully going through what they’ve done lately that could have get them to incur into their uncle’s ire. Thorin turns his attention to Kili and the youngest prince gulps nervously.

“When were you going to tell me?”

He wonders if he sounds hurt or just plain angry. He doesn’t understand the need of secrecy, really. Of course, once upon a time, he would have been outraged that his nephew had elven married a bloody tree-shagger. But while he still doesn’t like elves in general, he’s kind of fond of Tauriel, if only because she has been more than helpful looking after his heirs. Besides, the female is good friends with Bilbo now and Thorin can trust his beloved choices of friends.

“Tell you what?” Kili asks hesitantly, looking slightly nervous. He exchanges a quick look with his brother, looking for a clue of what’s going on, but Fili just shakes his head.

“You know I don’t generally like elves. But I like your elf well enough, so why hadn’t you told me?”

He can see the moment Kili understands what he’s about and can see how he tenses immediately. Behind him, Fili clenches his jaw, but doesn’t say anything. Thorin frowns. “Kili?” he prompts carefully, sensing this is a sensible topic between the boys.

“Well, I was waiting-” Kili starts, not looking at him in the eye. Fili looks about to yell, but he’s containing himself and Bilbo just looks between the three dwarves nervously.

“A baby, Kili! That’s… that’s... “ there are no words for it, really. Dwarves in general treasure children, but Thorin in particular has always had a soft spot for them. He dotted on his sister’s sons and to be completely honest, he kind of longed for his own, even if he now knew that just wasn’t going to happen. Still, he would settle for having lots and lots of grandnephews and grandnieces (or so he hoped)

“Well, yes, umm…”

Bilbo looks slightly horrified and Thorin wonders why, however Fili’s self-control breaks before he can ask. “It’s not his”

Kili turns to his brother, angry and upset and glares. Bilbo looks even more horrified now. Thorin turns to his oldest heir and asks, for what feels like a millionth time in the day, “What?!”

“It can’t be his, because they haven’t-”

“Fili!”

The blond glares. “You don’t honestly expect me to keep it quiet! I will not-”

“I’m still marrying her!” Kili yells, turning to his uncle now, standing tall and defying. “If she wants me, I’m marrying her. Even if… even if the child is someone’s else.”

Thorin frowns; a part of him is angry at the idea of his nephew have been cheated on, but another part of him tells him it just can’t be. Elves don’t cheat. For all their foul characteristics, that’s one of their few redeeming qualities. They’re loyal to their partners.

But then what-

“Tauriel would never cheat on you, Kili” Bilbo soothes, now standing next to the prince. “She loves you.” He turns to Fili, “she’s not pregnant. I don’t know-”

“Everyone in Dale-”

“Yes, well, that’s not-”

“The Council seem to think that too” Thorin interrupts. “She’s been seen going to midwife’s far too often, apparently.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t-”

“Then what-?”  
“She’s not pregnant!” Bilbo interrupts, exasperated. “Tauriel isn’t pregnant.” He repeats, now avoiding looking at Thorin. “I am.”

For a few seconds, nobody moves. Thorin can’t even think straight, because surely he heard it wrong? Bilbo isn’t- Bilbo couldn’t-

“Thorin?” the Hobbit looks worried and he makes an abortive motion of getting closer to the King, but Thorin is too stunned to properly react. The princes are staring at them both with identical looks of surprise and Thorin just can’t breath-

“You- you’re…”

“Yes, I- I should have told you sooner, but-” he gestures vaguely.

“How far along are you? When- how-?”

Bilbo flinches; he’s probably not handling this the right way, but he can’t really be blamed for reacting like this. It’s just too sudden. Too unexpected.

“Six months, more or less?” Bilbo says, shrugging. “Normally a Hobbit only carries 6 months, but with the mixed blood I think- I mean, my bump still looks very small, so-”

He’s going to be a father. Bilbo and him are going to have a baby. A baby! Before he knows what he’s doing, he has crossed the room, took Bilbo into his arms and kissed him fiercely.

It takes a few seconds for Bilbo to kiss back. His hands flutter over Thorin’s figure, uncertain on where to land. Finally, he places them around the dwarf’s neck and kisses him back just with as much fierceness.

When they break apart for air, Thorin takes a step back and observes Bilbo. How is that he hasn’t noticed, not even the night before when they both had been naked? It’s true, in his robes the baby bump is not even noticeable, but when Bilbo takes his hands and smooths them over his belly, he can clearly feel it.

Six months. Half term for a regular Dwarven pregnancy, but it’ll probably be shorter due the other’s father race. Bilbo is smiling tentatively at him and Thorin can’t help to kiss him again. “I love you” he whispers against the Hobbit’s lips and Bilbo whimpers softly. “I love you so much.”  
There’s still a talk they’re in desperate need to have, but it doesn’t matter right now. For now, all he can focus on is in the happiness the news have brought him. He hasn’t feel this happy in forever.

So he does the only thing he can do: he kisses Bilbo again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See what I meant?  
> Allow me to clarify: for Thorin, the news are simply joyous, if a little unexpected. He doesn’t quite see the reasons behind Bilbo’s secrecy and that’s what I meant in the difference between being emphatic and really understanding. Because of this, it was important to me to post both chapters together. This way the ending is happy, but superficial, so I needed to write a little more to give some sense of closure. At least, that’s the logic I’m following.  
> Please let me know if I messed up?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here’s the last chapter!  
> Enjoy?

As he lies in bed next to Thorin, Bilbo considers what he’s going to do now. It was a very bad idea to get into bed with the King without telling him first the secret he’s been hiding for almost 3 months. He’s not sure how Thorin managed to not notice his slightly swollen belly, but he supposes the Dwarf wasn’t really paying much attention. He’s not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

What he’s sure of is that he needs to talk to Thorin. He can’t postpone it for much longer; by Hobbit standards he should be giving birth any day now, although he doubts that’ll be the case. His belly is too small, there’s no way the baby is ready to be born. Still…

He curls closer to Thorin, basking in the warmth of his lover. He’s planning on leaving in a little while, if only to avoid their conversation for a little longer, although he thinks that might be slightly cruel. Knowing the King, he’ll probably end up blaming himself for the Hobbit leaving.

It’s all the fault of his blasted hormones. Pregnancy craves, it seems, are not limited to odd foods, but also to closeness, warmness and intimacy. Earlier, when he had seen the Dwarf King approaching, he hadn’t been able to contain himself. He might have been a little overeager to get in bed with Thorin, but he certainly hadn’t seemed to mind so…

He feels the baby moving and can’t help to smile a little. The more time passes, the more at peace he’s with the idea of having a child. He doesn’t delude himself into thinking it’s going to be easy, but he doesn’t feel as conflicted as he did in the beginning. Now, for the most part, he’s happy with the development.

He closes his eyes and allows himself to drift off for a little longer.

* * *

 

He waits for Thorin at his study, figuring a more neutral ground will be better for this conversation. He paces around the room nervously, rehearsing what he’s going to tell the King. He has been practicing with Tauriel, but the words always feel wrong. The elf maiden assures him that he just need to be truthful and that he has nothing to worry about, but he does. If Thorin doesn’t react well… he’s not sure what he’ll do. It would depend on why he reacts unfavorably, he supposes. If Thorin just doesn’t want to have a baby, that would be horrible enough, but there are worse case scenarios.

He rubs his belly gently, the motion soothing him. The baby is moving a lot, kicking him softly,probably sensing his father’s distress. It’s nice, to be completely honest, if a bit odd. But at least the movement reminds him he’s not alone.

He needs to talk to Thorin, not only for his sake but for their child’s.

Things, of course, don’t go as planned. Thorin shows up far later than Bilbo was expecting and Balin comes looking for him and the King has to leave right away. Bilbo would be disappointed, if he didn’t want to avoid this conversation as much as possible.

It’s not right and in the long run, the more he waits, the worst it has the potential to be. Still…

He caresses his belly once again. Soon. They’ll talk soon.

* * *

 

When Thorin storms into the Prince's’ room and starts questioning Kili, Bilbo feels his stomach plummeting. He knew that complications would arise, that Tauriel visiting the midwife will raise rumors but until now, he hadn’t known just how bad it could be.

So lost in his own troubles, he had failed to see the tension between the Princes. It’s natural that Fili is angry on his brother’s behalf and of course it’s just as natural that Kili is defensive of his intended. That both boys have gotten caught in between this whole mess is terribly unfair and Bilbo wishes he had listened to Tauriel’s advice sooner.

The truth slips of his lips without any consciousness. The moment the room goes eerily quiet, Bilbo realizes just what exactly he has confessed. Thorin is staring at him open mouthed and while he’s sure the rest of his companions have variations of the same dumbfounded look, his whole focus is on the King. He doesn’t look angry, not really, but his expression betrays nothing but surprise.

“Thorin?” he questions, taking a small step in the Dwarf’s direction. He suddenly feels very cold and very scared and he wants nothing but for Thorin to sweep him into his arms, hold him close and never let go. He places a hand over his belly as the baby kicks him again and he holds back tears.

“You- you’re…”

“Yes, I- I should have told you sooner, but-” he gestures vaguely; he can bring himself to explain, not just yet.

“How far along are you? When- how-?”

Bilbo flinches slightly, wondering how to explain. He doesn’t know how to put into words the fear he felt, not only at Thorin’s reaction to the news, but also his inner turmoil at the unexpected circumstances. He doesn’t know if he has the right words to make Thorin understand just how hard this whole ordeal has been for him.

“Six months, more or less?” he says, with a shrug. “Normally a Hobbit only carries 6 months, but with the mixed blood I think- I mean, my bump still looks very small, so-”

Before he can finish that sentence, Thorin has closed the distance between them and suddenly he’s kissing him with fierceness. For a few seconds, Bilbo freezes, uncertain. There’s bright hope blossoming inside his chest, but he’s not sure if he ought to indulge in it. Sure, Thorin is kissing him and that should be signal enough that the Dwarf King isn’t angry at the development, but there’s a nagging voice in the back of his head that is pointing out it’s just too good to be true.

When Thorin pulls away to catch his breath, Bilbo smiles tentatively, taking his large hands into his and pressing them over the swollen abdomen. The baby moves again and Bilbo can feel the tight knot of anxiety in the back of his throat easing a little. “I love you” Thorin whispers softly, pressing another kiss against his lips. “I love you so much” and oh, how Bilbo wishes that was enough to make him forget all his worries. It’s wonderful to hear such words, because for so long he has worried about that, but it’s not enough to make him feel at peace.

For now though, he contents himself with kissing back with passion.

* * *

 

“Why hadn’t you told me?” Thorin asks later, once their back to his (their?) chambers. They left Kili and Fili’s room, both Princes offering their congratulations and looking quite relieved that the rumors about Tauriel’s state had proven false. Bilbo feels guilty about that and he’ll make sure to apologize to Kili and Tauriel properly soon enough, but for now, he’s content to stay with Thorin.

It’s time for their long overdue conversation.

“At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep it” he explains and he can feel Thorin tightening his hold around his waist, but the Dwarf doesn’t protest. Bilbo takes a deep breath and soldiers on. “The thing is… I’m not suppose to-” he interrupts himself and makes a face, uncertain on how to finish that thought. “It didn’t feel right.”

Thorin nods, looking a bit uncertain, but willing to listen. Bilbo looks away. “I don’t know how to explain it, really. I- You know how I feel about my body. This” he caresses his belly lightly “just seemed like further proof of how wrong I am”

“Don’t say that” Thorin orders vehemently and Bilbo smiles sadly. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Bilbo wishes he could believe that. In part he does, but sometimes it’s hard to. The baby kicks once more and so he forces himself to continue. “I wasn’t sure I could deal with this. I didn’t know- I didn’t know if this would change things between us. If it would change the way you see me.”

Thorin stares at him for a while, lost in thought. “You were worried I- I would thought you less of a man because of this?”

Bilbo thinks about it for a few seconds. Yes, sounds about right, even if that’s not the words he would have used. He nods tightly.

“Oh, Bilbo-”

“I know. It’s probably silly-”

“No, no” the King interrupts him. “I understand where you’re coming from. But- I want you to know this: nothing you could ever do would make me think differently of you. You’re the bravest, most noble-”

Bilbo huffs, unbelieving and Thorin frowns. Next thing he knows he’s pressed against the wall, being thoroughly kissed.

They just can’t have a long conversation, can they?

“Thorin-” he whispers, pushing the King away. Not that he really wants to keep on talking and of course he would prefer to keep on kissing, but it doesn’t seem right.

“Sorry, sorry” the other replies, pulling away. “I got carried away.”

Bilbo smiles, pecking his companion lips quickly. “I- also wasn’t sure of where this left us.”

Thorin runs his hands down his arms in a comforting manner. “Well, I- Actually, I had been intending to ask you something.” He pulls out a small box out of his tunic and when he opens it, Bilbo’s breath catches. “Courtship might not be exactly appropriate considering… everything, but I suppose we can marry very soon-”

“No” the hobbit shakes his head and Thorin frowns. “I don’t- I don’t expect- If you-” he takes a deep breath, collecting his thoughts. “I don’t want you to marry me out of obligation.”

Thorin laughs. “Bilbo, I’ve been carrying this for WEEKS.” He shrugs helplessly. “I just hadn’t been brave enough to ask”

“Oh” Bilbo whispers, placing a hand over his belly. “So… it has nothing to do with the baby?”

Thorin pulls him close. “I do want us to be a family, Bilbo. But even if there wasn’t a little one in the way, I would still want us to marry.”

The Hobbit smiles brightly, standing on his tiptoes to kiss the King once more. “I love you.” He whispers. “I- You should know that I don’t think it’s going to be very easy, but-”

“We’ll deal with it” Thorin interrupts, hugging him tightly. “You have nothing to worry about.”

Bilbo can only nod.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not super satisfied with the ending, so I might write something else in the future, but for now… this is completed.  
> Please let me know if I messed up, I’ve really enjoyed working on this fic, as nerve wracking as it has been and I would love to know what you thought.  
> Thanks for reading!!


End file.
